just us.

a shot in my ass

yesterday, I was about done.  I was emotionally drained, physically tired (aside from working a typical 12 hour Monday), mentally only half full.  The weekend was a rough one, being alone at work and having it be slow gave me a lot of time to think.  Probably too much time.  But it was nothing a quiet cry session couldn't fix.

The bleeding was still going on, the blood clots bigger than ever, and I really didn't know how much more I could take.  I really wanted a solution, I wanted things to be done.  Ultimately, I wanted to feel like myself again.  Because simply, I wasn't.

Since I hadn't gotten a response from my Ob-Gyn via email, I finally called Monday morning to find out what the next step was.  I knew I was going to have surgery, I just wanted to have an idea of when.  With my parents going on vacation at various times in the next two months, and the mounting pressure from my boss to have it as soon as possible (for his own convenience in having someone cover me while I am out), I felt like I needed to have a concrete date to look forward to.  But I didn't get what I was looking for...yet.

I knew I needed to have an injection of Lupron, but what dosage and for how long was the question.  I was originally going to have the surgery done two weeks ago, so I knew that I was in for at least one injection and then surgery was to be done a month later. And seeing that Lupron can be used for up to 3 months (for endometriosis, not for fibroids), the surgery scheduler was talking about December or even January!!

All I knew was I didn't want to wait two more months.  It felt like it had been longer than an eternity since this whole thing started, and I just didn't know how much longer I could deal with things.  I was on a bit of a time crunch, since Lupron needs to be injected while there is still bleeding. Ding ding!  That was indeed happening.  And since I would have to wait at least a month before having surgery, I was looking at the end of October at the earliest.  Frankly, the earlier the better.

I got myself an appointment for today, which was ultimately cancelled due to overbooking, but I did manage to get the Lupron administered.  Hallelujah!!

At this point, I feel like I am one step closer to something more concrete.  Yesterday was just not a good day for me, but today felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I had a spring in my step, I looked at the sky and the trees differently, I wanted to eat a Krispy Kreme donut.  Today was a new day.

So as of right now, the doctor is looking at early November for surgery.  I'll probably have to cancel my vacation week that I schedule every year for my birthday.  And instead of exploring the streets of Seattle and Vancouver, British Columbia, I'll be laid up in bed recovering with staples in my belly.  Not the most ideal way of turning 35, but it's a step in what I hope will be a better direction.

what could've been

today would've been baby #2's due date.  to think, we would've become a family of four today.

I met with the Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility doctor yesterday to talk about the fibroid.  He did a quick vaginal ultrasound and determined that it hasn't grown in the last month or so, and I was able to see it on the ultrasound.  I guess you had to be there, but instead of the smooth grayish texture of normal uterine tissue, the fibroid was this lumpy, varigated gray on the screen.  The doctor couldn't tell whether or not the fibroid was protruding into the cavity or not, but ultimately he decided that surgery should be done.

and I'm all for that.  The last few days, the bleeding and blod clots have returned, along with cramps a bit more severe than normal menstrual cramps.  Honestly, I'm growing pretty tired of having to wear pads EVERY. SINGLE. DAY and worrying about whether or not I've had leakage and having to wear dark colored pants or shorts ALL. THE. TIME.  I think I've dealt with this long enough and I'm ready to move on and have the surgery.

The good thing is is that the REI doctor doesn't feel I have an infertility problem, since I was able to get pregnant (and miscarry) earlier in the year.  My issue is more the fibroid and considering all things, surgery is really the only option for me.  He said I am still young, and still have a lot of years before menopause kicks in (fibroids tend to shrink and go away when a woman hits menopause), and having a hysterectomy would be an easy fix to everything, but not an option for someone who still wants to have kids, like me.

So, now I have to go back to my regular OB to schedule the surgery, which I'm thinking may happen sometime before the end of the year.  The REI doctor said my surgery, while still being an abdominal surgery, should be fairly simple in that my fibroid is one mass, rather than lots of smaller ones.  It may require 2 nights in the hospital and then 6 to 8 weeks recovery time.  And I may have to wait a while before trying to conceive again too.  There are risks involved with the surgery, including scarring and the need for c-sections with future pregnancies.  That doesn't matter to me much, as long as I have a chance at having another child.

so that's that.  I'm sure I haven't let the idea of surgery totally sink in yet, but considering my current state, I'm down for anything.  I'm ready to move on.

Alumni Game

Last night, Mike played in the first UCI alumni hockey game in Aliso Viejo.  The guys were separated into the "older" team, which consisted of guys that were either juniors, seniors or grad students while the guys on the "old" team were freshmen and sophomores.  It was a hockey reunion of sorts, a lot of these guys haven't seen each other in more than 10 to 15 years!

Scottie, Albert, Vince and Mike

For the most part, it was a low-key, no pressure kind of game.  No fights or tempers flaring, which was nice to see.  Mike was worried that the guys would get into hockey mode and the game would get intense.  But it stayed friendly and the Older team ended up winning 7 to 5.

the "Old" team i.e. the younger guys

the "Older" team i.e. the old guys

I was standing on the ice, in flip flops and shorts, when I took these pictures.  And let's just saying my hands were shaking when I took them!  I was freezing!  So much so that both my thumbs were numb and I was shaking almost uncontrollably.

We all went to Buffalo Wild Wings after the game for more hang out time and it gave the guys a chance to catch up with each other...and drink beer and eat wings too :)  There were a few guys that even came from out of state to play (New Mexico, Texas, Seattle, and Boston)!!  Now I say that's some serious dedication...